Today, I write…

Today I write because I can’t keep it in. That’s really the only reason I write. To be honest, I’m a little slow. I know there are bloggers out there that have made quite a career or hobby out of “blogging” , and the reason I call myself slow is if I could figure out how to do it, I’d probably do it too…

But I can’t spell that good…and well, grammar…you know…I already messed this sentence up.

I only write, when I just can’t keep it in. I should just journal. So why blog vs. journal? I don’t know, except to say that there’s some words that should be private i guess, and some that need to breathe, even if no one reads them, but to have the courage to let them out in the open, can not only be healthy, but therapeutic.

The older I get, the more messed up I realize I am. The more I realize how much is screwed up in me, in regards to my brokenness. I don’t even think I mean sin, although the sin done to me, and the sin I did to myself may be the culprit, I’m just talking about the stuff that just doesn’t work. I’ve realized lately, that I don’t know how to be social. This is a realization that’s been creeping upon me for years, but in the past few months I’ve realized I’ve always been messed up in this area. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think maybe…it’s the perfect storm of my shyness…feeling a constant disproportion to attention…and I’m just not good at “intro’s”…I’ve always said…once I know you I’m fine…then we can be pals…I don’t know how to do the beginning…if that makes sense…it probably doesn’t. But if we can just skip to the middle, I’m fine. Unfortunately, most of life doesn’t work that way.

That’s why I think the only friends I’ve retained, have been the ones where we can just pick up and go from where we left off. Those that can’t, don’t survive.

I’m about to go make a movie, and to be honest, I’m scared. The closer I get to going to make it, the more I dream about wishing I just lived in a small town in the mid-west and worked at a gas station. Put in my 8 hours, and go home to my wife and kid. I know talented filmmakers, talented writers, talented actors. I don’t have any of what they got. But I do have naivety, with a mixture of “I hate to give up” the end result is whatever it ends up. Maybe that’s why I constantly pray for grace.

I’m not sure why I did write today, except I think a little bit of honesty, and a little bit of vulnerability is healthy for the soul. And these days, I need all the help I can get. Help for the present, future, and some days even to get out of bed.

But I am thankful, even though I’m lost. Thankful for my wife and kid. Thankful for the joy that they bring me. Thankful that I’m still alive, even though death and tears surround me. Thankful for art and passion, even though the idea of giving up constantly nips at my toes. I do have a hope, and that is I think the goal of my faith, and that is the realization that desire can be a fun thing, but also a dangerous thing. I like desires, but they can lead to death. But if I can be satisfied in the love that comes from the only one who can truly give in unconditionally, than I can have true joy. True peace. And maybe, just maybe, I can find the courage to get out of bed tomorrow.

Just giving my thoughts some oxygen,

David Leo Schultz

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~ by David Leo Schultz on July 12, 2015.

8 Responses to “Today, I write…”

  1. WOW!!!! Get this, totally. I’m in the same boat but have been rowing a bit longer. I’m going to continue to make my way down this river of life because I know my “Abba Father” is wanting for me at the dock. In the meantime I am going to enjoy the wind in my face and your very special friendship. Thank you for that,Dave.

  2. Sorry… There goes that auto correct again. Should be…waiting for me.

  3. Those of us who were not raised in “Leave it to Beaver” homes often have this problem in social situations. Maybe made up of shyness and insecurity. The plus side of this is that we probably avoid friendships that wouldn’t have lasted and when we do make friends it usually lasts forever and makes us feel cherished and needed.

  4. David,

    I know exactly what you mean about socializing. It has always been uncomfortable for me as well.

    I can’t begin to imagine the overwhelming moments you must have in the making of Brennan. What I can tell you though is I love your imagination and creativity. I never knew of Rich Mullins until I watched Ragamuffin on Netflix. Thank you for introducing me to Rich! That movie stirred some serious stuff in my soul. I do my best to watch it once a week. I share it with anyone I can. It has helped me so much in my spiritual journey and in my life period.

    David, you’re an amazing human being. I appreciate (beyond words I’m capable of) all the hard work, thought, and effort you put into your projects. I know it can’t be easy, but please don’t give up! The pressure you put on yourself must be an incredible burden. I wish you wouldn’t do that! So stop it!!

    You have talent the world NEEDS. I enjoy your blog. Thanks for your authenticity. It’s rare. But has great impact.

  5. It’s amazing how your words here just described what I feel so often as well. I always had friend probs and social probs but it wasn’t until more recently I discovered how much I struggle with social situations. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed. Sometimes I feel like giving up on creating and yet by the grace of God, I keep trying.

    Honesty is good. And blogging can be therapeutic. Thank you for taking the time to write and for being honest. It makes me like your work and look forward to Brennan even more.

  6. Thank you, David, for sharing openly and honestly. God is using you! I’ve been thinking about how the Ragamuffin movie has opened up a whole new community and communities and I’m sitting here
    wanting to be a part of what God is going to do next and waiting to see what it will be. Here’s a great idea! When you retire, you can move to Wichita!

  7. Brennan is a movie I look forward to soooooooo much. I can’t describe the joy ragamuffin gave me. I spent a while living and believing a lie. I want you to achieve success in completion of Brennan soon. It’s easy to tell someone to watch a movie these days, just saying… Thanks David. Keep up the strong work. I want to donate to Brennan but I feel uncomfortable not knowing which site to use in donation. Which one gets the money to your cause?

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